Is DC Luggage Cool?

What the fuck is with all the luggage people tote around in this city?

Okay, I know DC has this reputation for being a city where everyone is a temporary resident, but come on! For the freshly arrived, it can be shocking to see so many people wheeling suitcases behind them. Seriously Ellis Island didn’t have this much baggage; a fat girl whose bulimia just isn’t working don’t even have this much baggage.

It’s not typical baggage either: normally, people don’t like moving around suitcases all day. In normal cities, people have luggage on public transportation to airports and train stations, and some suit cases have those baggage stickers they put on at the airport, but not in DC. Here luggage abounds on street corners far from the nearest metro stop, because, apparently everyone needs to bring a week’s worth of clothing to work in case, I don’t know, they get so drunk at happy hour they puke on their new Vineyard Vines tie. Or perhaps the bags are filled with the many business cards people hand out here like acid at a Phish concert. Or maybe, just maybe, because D.C can inspire patriotic feelings in all of us, this bizarre amount of luggage is filled with the hopes and dreams of America! Or at least it was when Bush was in office; now it’s probably socialist propaganda and illegal immigrants.

The weirdest thing about it too is that no one looks good with those wheelie suit cases. Sure they make transporting stuff easier, but they are kind of embarrassing. When have you ever looked at someone in the airport and gone “Wow, look at that rough stallion of a man. The fact that it looks like he’s medically unable to carry normal luggage makes him too masculine and irresistible for words.” Back in my day (circa 2004), it was clear that the kids at school with wheelie suit cases had overbearing Jewish mother who fretted they’d hurt their back, and analysts who decided since that these kids already are developing sexual problems a la Portnoy’s Complaint, why not tote around a Samsonite chastity belt while you’re at it?

So DC, I say no. Bad DC! Bad! Weirdly high amounts of luggage on the street IS NOT COOL.