Random Districtions #2

Why can’t I tell who is a celebrity in this town?

If nothing else, Washington D.C is a city full of self-important looking older white men. From K Street to Capitol Hill, all you really need to look well-connected in this town are testicles, wrinkles and a cheaply tailored suit. If you’re, say, Judith Butler, this type just confirms the phallocracy that is the United States government and you don’t find these people too extraordinary. However, if you’re like me and come from a family where “guess who I saw the other day” is the typical greeting at family get-togethers, trying to discern whether or not an older man on Connecticut Avenue is genuinely famous can be incredibly difficult.

Unlike spotting famous people in such celebrity rich places as London, LA, New York or a Celebrity Cruise, the famous people in D.C aren’t strikingly attractive. Since politics is really just show business for ugly people, no one in their right mind would want to watch a D.C celebrity in a feature length film in the way you would a hot Hollywood celebrity like Paul Giammati. The most these people can reasonably be on TV for is about 15 minutes on “Meet the Press” so despite their power their image isn’t exactly burned into the back of anyone’s mind. Sure people in politics are better looking than others, and hey, sometimes elections do come down to who has the thickest hair (that Evan Bayh is as handsome as he is fiscally moderate!), but for the most part these people just look like the crotchety dean from an 80’s college movie. Maybe I’m just a racist, but it’s seriously impossible to tell which of these mistress-fucking blackberry users is 37th in line to the presidency and who is simply a lobbyist for the rodent poison industry.

This inability to discern who is a celebrity and who isn’t can be maddening. Is that John Boehner or an Oompah Loompah? Did I really just see Dennis Kucinich or did I officially take too many shrooms? Is that glory hole guy on Craigslist really a “dirty cum slut” or is it Larry Craig (actually in that case I suppose it could be both)? It’s impossible to tell! Next thing you know I’ll think my house is haunted by a banshee that just turns out to be a very upset Michelle Bachman.

This is why I am proposing, just so we know who in this town full of ugly people is a celebrity, that famous government types must identify themselves to the public, perhaps with some kind of patch or arm band. It could be in the shape of star so that we know they’re a “Star” and maybe with a bright color, like, say, yellow. What’s that? Someone else already tried that? Damn you American Apparel! You’re always a step ahead of me!