A casualty of the War on Christmas

The war on christmas is, without a doubt, the most pressing issue facing the nation right now. Screw healthcare reform, a nuclear armed Iran, the Mexican drug war, and the official end of the celebrity of Jon and Kate Gosselin, our liberal society's attack on Christmas will surely result in the rapture. Which is good for me 'cause y'all bitchez know I'm going to heaven.

Anyway, to protest this ungodly assault on all the holiest sacrament of the American religion, consumption, we are going to take twelve days to escape Washington DC until the nation comes to its senses again.

Our intern Ben will be in Philadelphia, a city that's basically the opposite of Washington DC, and Berlin, a city that looks just like DC except the gun shot marks on the city's buildings are from 1945 and not 5 pm that day. I, Pierre Charles De L'Enfant, will be spending christmas as I always do, haunting my in-laws in New Jersey. Ugh at least when living people sit around discussing "So You Think You Can Dance" they have the option of commiting suicide: us ghosts are not so lucky.

Je vous souhaite un joyeux noël et une bonne année!

A letter from the editor: Joe Lieberman can kiss my ghostly French ass

Mon cher lecture (Dear Reader),

I would like to formerly apologize to the universe for including an avenue named after the vile state of Connecticut in my plan for the city of Washington, D.C. While Connecticut Avenue's mix of fancy office buildings and expensive white people restaurants recalls life in the actual state of Connecticut, I can't help but now associate it with that tyrannical fuck face Joe Lieberman, the Independent Senator from CT.

Joe Lieberman, or as I like to call him the worst thing to happen to the Jews since Jesus’s hissy fit at the temple, is a big fat douchebag. In our last post we discussed younger DC based douches, but Joe Lieberman is truly the douchiest DC douche who was ever elected to be Senadoucher from the Douche-meg State, then lost the nomination of the Doucheocratic party and successfully won re-douchification as an Indouchependent.

In case you aren’t following, here is an article explaining why Joe Lieberman will go down with Jefferson Davis, 1950s Strom Thurmond, and Senator Satania Killpuppy-Seacrest as the worst Democrats ever. The problem with dealing with Joe Lieberman is that apparently he is not so much a senator as he is a spoiled child. He knows all too well that he is the final vote to keep the GOP from filibustering healthcare reform, and like a 8 year old he has decided to take his toys and leave. Apparently for Joe Lieberman the thousands of Americans who die every year from lack of medical coverage are not nearly as important as seeing his shit-eating grin plastered all over the nightly news. I recall that someone once said Joe Lieberman is an Orthodox Jew and a Conservative Democrat, but it would be better if he was a Conservative Jew and an Orthodox Democrat: right now I think it would just be better if he got hit by a SCUD missile.

As for those of you from Connecticut who may be reading this post, I say there is something wrong with your state. How does this man keep getting elected? What are you doing to displease God so? I think it's telling that the word "con" in French means "cunt", and is why those CONs keeping re-electing this senator from CONnecticut.

Yours,

PCDL'E

Random Districtions #3

Bar Safety Tips: Keep yourself clothed and dignified at all times

Sometime in the early years of this millennium the male “douche” was invented. Oh sure douches are as old as history itself (who could forget the famous bible story Jonah and the Whale and the Anal Douche), but I am not talking about the hygienic product; Rather I am talking about the American male archetype of the douche. Otherwise known as the bro, the dude, or John Mayer, a douche tends to be an upper middle class white male who seeks to affirm their status in society by celebrating their own dominance and, for lack of a better word, douchebaggery. While every corner of the United States, from the Lower East Side to all of Southern California, has their own version of the douche (“this douche is your douche, this douche my douche…”), there is something about douches at the center of American governmental power that makes the Washingtonian subspecies particularly obnoxious and grotesque.

Washington D.C douches are easy to spot: during the week the ones my age all are employed and make lots of money, but it’s never anywhere that anyone would want to work nor does their job require genuine qualitative analysis. During the weekends their blue and white striped oxford wearing packs (think urban zebra herds) move between DuPont Circle and Georgetown, occasionally straying into Adams Morgan to get in bar fights and use the N-word in public. Finally, on weeknights, these douches retreat to their dark wood covered apartments to watch SportCenter and think about how great it is to be a white heterosexual wealthy male, all the while protected from D.C’s others by the moats that are Rock Creek and the Potomac River.

So why am I filled with more anger than usual about this subject? Well this weekend I had quite a little run-in with some Grade A douches. It’s important to understand that the douche's larval stage begins in their university’s frat houses, and this past Saturday I went out to the DuPont Circle area to meet up with a visiting friend to experience her sorority and frat friends from college. The bar was that kind of insanely crowded where you contemplate the benefits of learning how to pick pocket, and was thus somewhat overheated. While it was steamy, what her frat douche friends did to deal with the heat was simply appalling.

Sometime between “Party in the U.S.A” and “Lean Back”, two of the douches looked longingly into each other’s eyes, perhaps recalling a long ago tryst, and seemed to telepathically tell each other that the time to express there full douchebaggery was nigh. Like a peacock unfurling its big gay tail, THESE DOUCHES PROCEDED TO TAKE OFF THEIR SHIRTS IN THE BAR, and continue grinding with drunk Jewish girls as if it was a normal acceptable thing to do. Shirtless drinking is okay on spring break (once the rohypnol kicks in), but on a cold night in D.C. As aras I can tell, there are only two reasons to remove your shirt in an establishment that sells alcohol: either you’re a stripper or your shirt was doused in flaming napalm. Unless they were somehow pole dancing with the Viet Cong, removing shirts in a bar is unacceptably douchebaggy.

So please, for the children’s sake, let’s hope for a hard winter and maybe, just maybe, these shirtless douchebags will either learn their lesson and become clothed douches or turn into beeeeeeautiful ice sculptures.

Are DC Sports Cool?

No.

Succinct, right? Technically, the problem with D.C sports, as with so many other of Washington D.C's cultural issues, is that fact that few people who live in the District were born here. Sure, the Redskins have a serious following among the natives, but for the most part because Washington D.C tends to be people’s adopted hometown the area’s sports teams are treated like red headed step children.

Worse, since I have left the womb of a liberal arts college where the only discussions of sports were related to either ironic hipster softball gossip or how the rape crisis center could use the funds from the baseball teams’ phallocratic budget allocation, I am suddenly expected to have opinions about college sports as well. Did you know there were two layers of athletic competition that I couldn’t give a fuck about? I didn’t. In fact whenever I hear people on the street talking about “Indiana vs. Michigan”, and I am always surprised to find out they’re not talking about which state would drive you to suicide faster if you actually had to reside there, but rather they’re discussing field goals, free throws and rape convictions.

That said, I have decided to compile my three months of knowledge and compile a handy guide to D.C's less-than-stellar sports teams. Together, I am confident that we can work to create a world where adults do not consider jerseys acceptable clothing choices.

The Washington Redskins: The Redskins, who were originally called the “Stupid Drunk Casino-Owning Buffalo Fuckers” until they changed their name to something very slightly less offensive, are just about the only team DC residents are invested in: too bad their terrible. Local newscasters don't even feign surprise anymore when the Redskins get destroyed. Seriously being a Redskins fan is like being a Northeastern Republican in that it has become clear that God hates you.

The Nationals: Ugh. Baseball was invented in the Protocols of the Elders of Zion to give Jewish people a sport to play. Plus their team only dates back to 2005, making them sort of the foreclosed downtown Cleveland condo of the National League.

The Washington Wizards: Wow, I couldn’t know less about this team, which I think says something for a sport that is dominated by black people in a town that Marion Barry once called “The Chocolate City”. I do know, however, that they were originally called “The Washington Bullets” until some pointed out, perhaps after being violently mugged, that that maybe wasn’t the best name for a sports team in a city with a ludicrously high gun violence rate.

D.C United: All nations have one iconic oxymoron, like the "Somali Government Official”, “Spanish work ethic” or “Excellent French Rock band”; in the world’s most powerful country, that oxymoron is “Popular American Soccer Team”. D.C United may have some inexplicable support from ambassadors, their extremely well dressed 8 year old children, and perhaps the occasional American citizen who wants to act like an international douche, but for all our sake soccer should stay where it belongs: as an athletic distraction for the nation’s ritalin-addicted youth.

The Washington Capitols: Ice Hockey? Canadians are meant to excel at two things: gravy covered French fry dishes and producing terrific teen-soap operas. Besides, anything so devoid of minority participation can’t be cool: Why do you think Boston sucks so hard?

These are my thoughts on D.C’s major sports teams. Of course, I did leave out the District's college teams, like the Georgetown Hoyas, the GWU Coked-up Jews, American University’s Safety Schoolers, Catholic University’s Don’t-touch-yourselves, and of course Howard University’s…eh, I don’t really feel comfortable making that joke.

In summation, let’s just say that the coolness indicator on the beer can that Washington D.C sports culture hasn’t exactly turned blue.