Are DC Sports Cool?

No.

Succinct, right? Technically, the problem with D.C sports, as with so many other of Washington D.C's cultural issues, is that fact that few people who live in the District were born here. Sure, the Redskins have a serious following among the natives, but for the most part because Washington D.C tends to be people’s adopted hometown the area’s sports teams are treated like red headed step children.

Worse, since I have left the womb of a liberal arts college where the only discussions of sports were related to either ironic hipster softball gossip or how the rape crisis center could use the funds from the baseball teams’ phallocratic budget allocation, I am suddenly expected to have opinions about college sports as well. Did you know there were two layers of athletic competition that I couldn’t give a fuck about? I didn’t. In fact whenever I hear people on the street talking about “Indiana vs. Michigan”, and I am always surprised to find out they’re not talking about which state would drive you to suicide faster if you actually had to reside there, but rather they’re discussing field goals, free throws and rape convictions.

That said, I have decided to compile my three months of knowledge and compile a handy guide to D.C's less-than-stellar sports teams. Together, I am confident that we can work to create a world where adults do not consider jerseys acceptable clothing choices.

The Washington Redskins: The Redskins, who were originally called the “Stupid Drunk Casino-Owning Buffalo Fuckers” until they changed their name to something very slightly less offensive, are just about the only team DC residents are invested in: too bad their terrible. Local newscasters don't even feign surprise anymore when the Redskins get destroyed. Seriously being a Redskins fan is like being a Northeastern Republican in that it has become clear that God hates you.

The Nationals: Ugh. Baseball was invented in the Protocols of the Elders of Zion to give Jewish people a sport to play. Plus their team only dates back to 2005, making them sort of the foreclosed downtown Cleveland condo of the National League.

The Washington Wizards: Wow, I couldn’t know less about this team, which I think says something for a sport that is dominated by black people in a town that Marion Barry once called “The Chocolate City”. I do know, however, that they were originally called “The Washington Bullets” until some pointed out, perhaps after being violently mugged, that that maybe wasn’t the best name for a sports team in a city with a ludicrously high gun violence rate.

D.C United: All nations have one iconic oxymoron, like the "Somali Government Official”, “Spanish work ethic” or “Excellent French Rock band”; in the world’s most powerful country, that oxymoron is “Popular American Soccer Team”. D.C United may have some inexplicable support from ambassadors, their extremely well dressed 8 year old children, and perhaps the occasional American citizen who wants to act like an international douche, but for all our sake soccer should stay where it belongs: as an athletic distraction for the nation’s ritalin-addicted youth.

The Washington Capitols: Ice Hockey? Canadians are meant to excel at two things: gravy covered French fry dishes and producing terrific teen-soap operas. Besides, anything so devoid of minority participation can’t be cool: Why do you think Boston sucks so hard?

These are my thoughts on D.C’s major sports teams. Of course, I did leave out the District's college teams, like the Georgetown Hoyas, the GWU Coked-up Jews, American University’s Safety Schoolers, Catholic University’s Don’t-touch-yourselves, and of course Howard University’s…eh, I don’t really feel comfortable making that joke.

In summation, let’s just say that the coolness indicator on the beer can that Washington D.C sports culture hasn’t exactly turned blue.