Are DC Pumpkins Cool?

Now I know I have mostly written about hobos, French ghosts and luggage, but I feel in the spirit of First Lady Michele Obama that it is my duty to put on a cardigan, wrap a couple of snazzy belts around my torso, and start discussing local produce.

I wish I was coming to you today to discuss a happier subject: sadly, I must report to you that DC is in the grip of a pumpkin crisis. Terror reigns on the street, and crazed mobs of middle aged women have held up every single one of the nine Starbucks on my block, stealing pumpkin spice lattes at gun point. Even the normally calm and collected Glenn Beck has declared the pumpkin crisis is a sign of the gay-socialist-Muslim apocalypse.

The Great Pumpkin Crisis of 2009 stems from a major shortage of pumpkins all over the Mid-Atlantic. On October 12th the Washington Times reported that Washington DC area pumpkin brokers are seeing supplies down 50-70% (side note: how exactly does one become a pumpkin broker? Does it require a master’s degree or can anyone do it?), and this is when our world began collapsing around itself. The cause of this crisis is as sad as the devastation it has wreaked on the families of our nation's capitol: as we all know, DC area pumpkin varieties need the humid blast furnace that is the Washington summer to grow and prosper, and the cool rainy summer has seriously affected these hardy but deeply mutated orange ambassadors of the fall.

The question is now will the Obama administration be willing to give Big Pumpkin yet another bailout? With pumpkins exploding in New England, it’s only a matter of time before Congress wades in on the matter. The basics of pumpkin economics suggest that as supply goes down, demand and prices go up. I’m not sure if I want my precious tax dollars being spent to prop up an industry that only makes profits in the month of October (I suppose being profitable 1/12th of the year is still far better than GM is doing).

So I am going to put my foot down here. DC pumpkins, with their high falutin’ organic attitude, pretentious scarcity and constant government scandals are not cool.

I can’t believe I ate you in a pie last night.